[ Talk Sex Message Board ]
Long term relationship; why JUST sex
Posted by S. on May 02, 2008 at 06:19:27:
Hi,
I'm 21, female, my boyfriend is 19, and we've been dating for six years. He
used to be very affectionate, we would make out for hours like any regular
teenagers. Then I went to college, and left him at home to finish up his
last two years of high school. It wasn't very far, less than an hour away
and I saw him nearly every weekend.
He's now graduated and we're living together on the edge of the campus, have
been for over 9 months. He's far from affectionate now. He lets me kiss him
on the cheek. Occasionally he kisses my cheek or forehead. If I try to kiss
him on the mouth he gives me a quick peck back, hardly anything sensual or
with any effort. If I try to kiss his neck or ear he brings his shoulder up
and tells me it tickles. He used to really like it. He gropes me, stands
behind me and pushes his pelvis into me, and I've told him its all well and
good so long as he actually touches me affectionately and gently as well. He
tries, but its not nearly as much as I need to be touched. He dosn't seem to
get that women NEED to be touched in ways that arn't purly sexual. He DOES
hold me or my hand when ever he gets the opportunity. Does that count?
He claims he doesn't kiss me much because he always bites his lip when he
eats, and it always seems to have several cuts on it. It hurts him to kiss
me. I don't want him to hurt. When we DO kiss, with or without his cut lip,
we never kiss for longer than a few minutes before it leads to sex, and its
usually over in less than 15 minutes. No foreplay besides about two minutes
of kissing and a brief bit of oral on him for lubrication. I've told him
multiple times how much I need foreplay. He can make me come with sex, I
mean he's great. But I really NEED foreplay. its just ho-hum without it.
He's tried. Really, he has. But its very rare that anything is accomplished.
He says that if I touch him or kiss his genital area, I'm teasing him if it
doesn't go right to sex. He says that if I wait and let him, he'll do all
sorts of foreplay. I feel like a dead fish just laying there, but he doesn't
like to be kissed on the neck, I can't kiss his mouth because it hurts him
because of his cuts, he hates it when I kiss his nipples, can't touch his
feet, I pull his hair, etc. And a lot of times I will wait and see if he
will do something, but then he'll just stick his penis in my face like a
caveman, so I can lube him up right off the bat, because God knows I don't
have enough of my own lubrication yet.
I would say that I give him oral about twice a week. I LIKE doing it for
him. Oral from him comes...maybe once every two months. And that's partly my
fault. I used to be fine with him preforming oral, but I guess since this
dry spell hit I've gotten a bit self conscious, and when he volunteers for
it, I usually refuse because its spur of the moment and I feel dirty,
unshaven, and unprepared. When he does, hes so out of practice that he gets
frusterated because it takes FOREVER. He's not the only one thats
frusterated either. I've tried giving him pointers but he always tells me he
knows what he's doing.
He tells me I'm attractive, and if his sex drive is any indication, its true
he thinks so (but then again, he is 19). I know he loves me; he's absolutly
not cheating on me. Is it some sort of intimacy issue? Or could it just be
that I really DO tickle him, or that he really can't kiss me because he has
cuts on his lip? Is he bored with me? Am I asking for too much? Is he just a
clueless, stuborn male? Did he just get used to seeing me over the weekend
and it being OK to just have quick sex? Could it be that he's depressed?
He'd never go for councilling anyways. Never. ARGH.
What can I do to help him? What can I do to help ME? It makes me feel a bit
like an object, when he does this. Is there anything I can say to him to
even make him aware of how this is affecting me and our relationship? And
I've tried everything from sitting him down and having a reasonable
discussion with him to screaming, crying, and begging for some affection. It
usually has an impact that lasts all of a week. How can I get through to
him?
Webmaster Reply:
I'm not making excuses for him, but this sounds like typical 19-year-old behaviour to me. In fact, I'd say he's trying harder than most. You obviously are more mature and perhaps your expectations are too high, given his age and nature. Don't know. There are two books that I think would be helpful - "She Comes First" for him, and "Getting the Love You Want" for you. I suggest you pick those up and give them a read.Randy